Learning to surviving grief and live again

Most of us don't know what grief is like until we lose someone we love, and no two experiences of loss are exactly the same. The closeness of the person who dies, the time in her life and in ours when death comes, all make a difference in the way we grieve and the time we take to heal. Common denominator to grief for us all, is pain. Trying to avoid the painful emotions of grief leads to greater problems - illness or serious chronic distress. Avoiding the painful feeling of grief leaves us stuck psychologically where we are, unable to change and grow. 

When we lose life partner, we experience social isolation because we see ourselves as different from others and different from ourselves before the death occurred. Our role in the community and close friends can change drastically. Letting go of somebody you love is not easy. The insecurity one experiences following a major loss is frightening and devastating. 

Sudden death presents more symptoms of shock and consequent so many problems than death that is anticipated. Mind has no time to prepare a rational explanation nor is there any opportunity to process feelings. The shock that is experienced through a survivor, causing an extreme assault on his physical state. Disbelief, confusion, restlessness, feelings of unreality and helplessness, separation anxiety, prolonged stress are the main characteristics of shock.   

When the world has become unsafe, empty and chaotic, we turn inward to ourselves for protection. We lose interest in newspapers or TV or friends around us, and prefer to focus on our own thoughts. We feel severed from the real world. All our thoughts are on the one who is gone. "She is constantly in my mind and Thoughts of her never leave me" are the typical statements comes throughout all the stages of grief. 

When my wife died, I feel guilty that why didn't I stop her from going to such operation? Guilt leads to feelings of unworthiness, shame and self blame. If these feelings continue, result is a lifetime of misery. Best way to deal with such feeling is to share with a trusted friend. After a time of acknowledging them, they tend to fade. Guilt reminds me of a slug which can thrive only in dark damp places. 

We cannot begin the task of restructuring ourselves without first going through the process of centering ourselves. It does not mean being egotistical or self-centered in negative sense. Instead, we find our center of stability. We make decisions for ourselves based on our needs and values. Grief was placed on us. We didn't ask for it, but it was handed to us. What we do with our grief is a different matter. We have the choice of living in the past, attached to old identities or of moving on to find what life has to offer. Being centered in our own life gives us the confidence to actively work out our own crisis and problems. Centering helps us to feel in place in our lives- not leaning on others for support, but having the strength of own two legs. Use meditations, stillness, prayers, psychotherapy or any method that helps go inward. To move toward a mew identity, one should need to find out what that identity is about. Centering will not give quick answers rather it will start on a new search for one's own truth.

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Need to help yourself in such state is of immense importance. Be patient with yourself. Don't feel you have to be brave. Recognize that you have immense need for safety and that this is not a safe time. Don't worry that you still refer to the deceased as if the death has not occurred. Allow others to nurture you. Make no decisions about your future life. It is impossible to control your feelings immediately after the death. Give yourself time to decide.